Here is a short film/monologue I was given an hour to learn before recording. Written and Directed by Lewis McGregor
I’ve not made a blog for quite some time – mostly due to distraction and general lack of interest. But now that I’m sat down and able to think, I guess I could depart some of the events that have recently gone by.
To start, I’ve sort of found someone to love, at last, and this time I didn’t go looking for it; they found me. He messaged me on a gay chat site that I hardly use – you never expect decent people to hang around these things, but I somehow held out a hope. His name is Josh. He’s younger than me, but his intelligence burns far brighter. He’s studying to become a doctor. How unsurprising; I think most gay people I’ve met are doing something in the field of science, chemistry or nursing. The difference – unlike the other feckless lot, he was actually interested in me. Everyone else in the gay community (apart from a few good friends) tend to walk all over you and look out for ‘number one’ only. Josh, he actually showed a caring interest for me.
So we got chatting on Skype. Found out we have so much in common, even though we have obvious differences here and there. Eventually, we ended up spending days just chatting on Skype – seeing as the distance between us was rather large. London to Cardiff is quite the walking distance, and not exactly cheap on the train these days, even when booking in advance. We grew very fond of each other, so much so that (after burning out his parents monthly internet time) he came to visit me in Cardiff via the London Megabus. He’s been twice now. He’s even met my friends. They love him to bits. I love him to bits. It’s just a shame we can’t see each other more often. The long periods without each other are sometimes painful, but then we cherish the time we have together.
If anything, having Josh as my “companion” has made me stronger as a person inside. People have noticed how happy I’ve been of late, like a great hole has been filled in or a light’s been turned on. It’s still a strange feeling for me though, as for most of my life I wandered on my own, solving other people’s problems and being there for people when I can be. Having someone like Josh by my side… someone who actually cuddles and wishes and feels with me… it’s like getting something you’ve always wanted but still wondering when it’ll turn out to be a cruel illusion. But, this time, it’s no mirage. This time it’s real. And that makes me the happiest person in the world 🙂
In other news, aside from being happy, I’ve also been ill quite a lot. Regularly run down, and experiencing the odd pain here and there. I had to take time off work after collapsing in the bathroom one morning in my Cardiff flat. It was a proper “shit, am I gonna die here” moment when I thought I was going to black out on the bathroom floor; reaching out to grab either the sink or the toilet seat and drag myself towards it. Sweaty fever, dehydration, faintness, I’d never been as bad as this before.
So I ended up being off work for a few days. Then, after a week of being back, I had pains in my stomach and side cramps that prevented me from even walking properly without flinching. So I had another week off work, and a doctor’s note to cover it – some stomach virus or something. Just as I was recovering from that load of turmoil, I suddenly developed terrible night sweats, feverish shivers and a throat infection that topped the rest of it all together. The back of my mouth was so ulcerated it killed just to speak. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t drink. I couldn’t speak for quite a few days, and I lost a lot of colour too. “Throat infection”, the doctor said. No shit, Sherlock! So he gave me another week’s worth of time off work and prescribed me some antibiotics… that didn’t seem to do anything whatsoever. As the days went by, I’d gargled everything under the sun and still there was no improvement; only pain and a sickly feeling.
Eventually though, the throat infection did start to recede. My mum gave me this throat spray that numbed the pain and did me the world of good. But then, as one thing went down, another came up – the pains in my side had turned to a lump. “Oh just great. What now?!” I wondered.
Another trip to the doctors’ surgery; it started to feel like a second home. This time it was a lady doctor, and after telling her everything I’d been through, she diagnosed me immediately, as if it couldn’t be more obvious. Glandular Fever. She was rather surprised the other male doctors hadn’t come to that conclusion already. So she gave me a blood test to make sure. It was at this point I’d realised that nurses are better at needles and syringes than dilly dandy doctors. It bloody hurt! I’ll get the proper results on Tuesday. Apart from that, and for the next 6 months, I’ve got to lead a rather dull social life and take it easy. No alcohol, no late nights, no pushing one’s self and above all… no ‘kissing’ anyone. WHAT?! NO KISSING??? Glandular Fever is what’s known as the ‘kissing disease’ because it’s easily passed onto someone else via that means.
Sorry Josh. Life sucks right now.
To add insult to injury, I’ve got to go back to work next week, against doctor’s advice, because the government’s “sick pay” doesn’t cover bills and rent. These days, people just can’t afford to be ill.
On a brighter side, work is aware of my situation, and is going to make it easier for me. I’m going to be constantly tired, but I must push myself just that little bit. I’ll even move to a cheaper place to save money in the long run. I will survive. I will make it so.